Rye Humor
Two young brothers attempt to pull off a robbery, but their plan is half-baked.
Burlap Sack? Check. Black clothing? Check. Concealed weapons? Technically black-painted water guns, but also Check.
Robbing a bank wasn’t supposed to be complicated, but for some reason things never went their way.
“Ok Gus, you’re sure you got the address right this time?” On the brothers’ last three attempts, Gus had taken them to an empty field, a barber, and a pet shop.
“Don’t worry Frankie! See it says right here, ‘Bankery of America.’” Gus squinted at the cracked screen of his iPhone 4. “But Frankie, do we have to keep trying to rob places? Couldn’t we, I dunno, learn a skill like Ma’ wanted us to-”
“Dangit Gussy, don’t pull the “Ma’ wanted” card on me! I take care of you, don’t I? Besides, once we pull off this bank robbery we’ll be living easy!” This time, Frankie was confident; he even had Gus pull up a wiki-how online.
“Alrighty boys, here we are!” Their elderly taxi driver smiled behind goggle-eyed glasses. Frankie wanted to drive his own getaway car, but he and Gus weren’t old enough to get a license.
Frankie and Gus grabbed their equipment and rushed into the building. The next step on Gus’ phone was to ‘show ‘em who’s boss’ and ‘case the joint.’
“Alright everybody stick ‘em up! This is a hold-....up?” Something felt off. The lobby smelled far too nice. The patrons all wore black suits and dresses with aprons. Instead of queues, there were rows of... bread.
It was at this time Frankie noticed the photograph and large loaf of bread on the counter, with a large banner strewn across the room. “In loving memory, Johnny Rye.”
“Gus, let me see that phone…” Frankie snatched the device from Gus’ hands. “...This says ‘Bakery’ not 'Bankery!’”
Frankie smacked Gus upside the head as an elderly lady in a black dress approached. “Ohh Johnny always did love his puns, almost as much as he loved his bread! I’m Dolores, are you boys here for the memorial?”
“Here for the - what? No!” Frankie took a closer look at the black-clad patrons. Gus had brought them to a baker’s funeral. The wiki-how did not prepare him for this. He glanced down at the phone. Show ‘em who’s boss. Right.
“Everybody stop! This is a hold up!” Frankie shouted and waved his plastic gun in the air threateningly. He got a couple gasps from the small crowd - good sign. Most of the mourners were frozen in place, some even mid-bite. Gus helped Dolores into a chair. He was a good kid. Ma’ would’ve been proud.
“OK! Now I want everybody to…” All eyes were on him. Suddenly, all his instructions scattered from his brain like flies from a soap factory. “Hang on a second!”
He pulled out the iPhone to review his wiki-how, but the screen wouldn’t turn on. He desperately spammed the power button, but all he got was an image behind the cracked screen of an empty battery. “Gus? Why is the battery DEAD!?”
“I’m sorry Frankie! I was playing Bejeweled on the car ride here…” Gus sheepishly peaked out from taking cover behind Dolores.
Frankie rubbed his temples. They had never gotten this far before. What was the next step again?
None of this was going correctly. He couldn’t disappoint Ma’ now, not after she-
He waved his squirt-gun again at the bereaved bakery-goers. “Look, we’re robbing you! We just uhh… need you to… does anyone have a phone charger?”
The hostages exchanged awkward glances and patted their pockets. A mousy girl in the back piped up, “I’ve got a USB-C, does that work?”
“No! We’ve got an iPhone 4! You know, with the long sort of… forget it.” Frankie was on his own. He turned to Gus for assistance, but Gus was already sharing a scone with Old Lady Dolores.
Frankie held the sack out for everyone’s wallets - but apparently no one brings cash to a funeral. Well he wasn’t going to walk out empty handed. Frankie was feeling hungry anyhow.
“Just give us some of those bagels, a few muffins, and… gimme that loaf.” Frankie gestured towards the perfectly dusted bread sitting on the pedestal.
A few choked gasps rippled through the small congregation. Jackpot, there must be something special about that loaf.
With things finally going his way Frankie thought he deserved a snack, so he pulled out the dusty loaf, and ripped off a hefty chunk. A few women screamed and one fainted as he took a large bite.
The mourners cried out as he chewed, but it tasted terrible. Why would they care about some crummy terrible tasting bread?
Only Dolores seemed unperturbed, and in fact seemed amused as she led Gus by the hand up to Frankie. “Don’t worry dear, I think this is how Johnny would have wanted it.” She winked and smiled towards the framed photograph on the counter. “He always did love his puns as much as his bread.”
Frankie looked down at the dusty loaf, up to the counter, over to the banner with the words “In loving memory, Johnny Rye” and back down to the loaf.
Oh god he had eaten old-man-ash-bread. Frankie curled over and immediately dry-heaved.
This was NOT how this was supposed to go. He closed his watering eyes, and not because of the bread. “I’m sorry Gus, I never do this right. I know I promised Ma’ I would take care of you while she was in jail, but…”
Frankie felt a hand on his . He opened his eyes to see Dolores’s hand on him.
“How about, instead of taking, you help me make the bread instead. After all,” She said chuckling, “My Johnny lives on inside you now.”
Frankie shot a look at Gus, who smiled widely and nodded.
Frankie took his brother’s hand, and then Dolores’. “You’re kind of crazy, lady. But you remind me of our Ma’. You got yourself
a deal.”
Robbing banks didn’t seem to be their specialty anyways.
Words from the Author
This was our entry from the NYC Midnight Flash Fiction competition, with the required prompts of “Comedy, A Bakery, and a Phone Charger.” It ended up making 6th place, not bringing any trophies home, but also enough to keep us in for the next round of the competition.
What sticks out in my memory the most about this story is that in our original draft, Frankie and Gus were grown men. The story was actually almost identical, with the joke being that the brothers were goofballs a la The Three Stooges. We ended up aging them down to preteens last second out of a fear the judges wouldn't find Frankie and Gus as endearing if they were men in their 30s.
What do you think? Did we make the right choice, or were we cowards opting for the safe option?